haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
