mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
