I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
