I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
