I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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