I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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