The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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