Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
