Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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