Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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