You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
