i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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