If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
