I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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