Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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