i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
