I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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