I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
