If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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