I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
