there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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