I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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