I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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