I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
