i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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