all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
