I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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