Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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