dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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