somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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