I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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