There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my being single is dangerous.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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