I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
