Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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