Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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