i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
