my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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