One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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