i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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