i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
