Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
