I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't deserve a penis
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
