we're chasing vodka with high fives
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
