drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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