i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
