thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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