I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
