I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
