I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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