So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
