There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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