Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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