it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he fucked my hip out of place.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
