Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
