I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
