Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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