There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
