I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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