then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
